XXX: POR-NO!

[Rich]

I like watching videos on Youtube.

I read comments about how people like or hate the video. There’s always a clash of ideas and opinions, nurtured with pure instinct, wisdom, silliness, profanity, and culture. There’s also some comments targeting the person who uploaded the video himself. Every time, I tolerated most of them, but one thing that I couldn’t seem to take is the fact that some people kept on posting inane comments about pornography in Christian videos and other types of media that was brought to the site. It’s a sensitive and a restless topic. Especially porn links that can be a total distraction for seekers and other baby Christians like myself. A complete eyesore, if only I can delete it, or even coax somebody to delete all of it. I’m that upset about it, but I took it all in stride. I replied to some of them, gave a thumbs down sign when I wanted to and spoke words of blessing. I’m the type of person who doesn’t say anything unless I sensed the need to do so. Anyhow, the wit battle ensues.

I wondered what the world would be like if people can say NO to PORN. A conflict between the world as it is now versus the world as it should be. Ideal versus Real. Good versus Evil. So on and so forth. Huh. Tension of opposites. Which side do you wanna fight for? Or do you wanna stay neutral, not sure of what to do? I have friends who have had sex like it’s the best workout on earth. Their stories were, well, ridiculous but funny. There are people who prefer doing it for pleasure, but without knowing the consequences. No condom. No planning. No self-control. No sense of self. No respect for the other person. No dignity. No relationship. No love. No attachments. Nothing else. Some even considered abortion as a quick fix. No, darn it! Argh. Have you ever asked yourself, “Man, am I just a monkey? If I saw a banana, will I just stare at it or should I grab, eat, and swallow it?” See? It sounds quite perverted, but true… The influence of media that is promoting sex and pornography is so strong and has a death grip on the youth. I'm being blunt with this.

Side note: I shouldn’t think of bananas that way. Or even monkeys?

Some of us have no idea of the ramifications of our actions and the things we lose. It stresses us out. It scares us. It keeps us from discovering the Truth. We’re prone to have this ‘victim’ ideology and we exaggerate our side of things, making excuses… Ahem. Going back, I asked, “How come people kept on posting porn links here?” And true enough, somebody replied to me, “Maybe because statistically Christians are bigger consumers of porn than non-Christians?” I pondered on it for a minute. The thought was quite unbearable. It gnawed my brain at a fast pace. I do not know the exact numbers. I hate to say it but, he could be right.

Most people become Christians because they have recognized their need for Christ. I know I need Him everyday. Don’t be mistaken, though. I was a “consumer” of pornography. It feels so good to say that in the past tense. Some of my friends know I like anime, manga, fanfictions, short films, and the like. YES, I commit to confess that I have seen and read a lot of “material.” My curiosity led me to do things that, with a sound mind, would have steered me off to a different path. I became addicted reading stories, and I dared to use my passion for writing fanfictions that had expressed such filth. I have friends who favored the same crap, and even if we saw some videos that were funny… It turned out to be ugly and nauseating for me. We’re made of flesh, and it’s never satisfied. But when we die, it’ll rot anyway. This tidbit of wisdom didn’t stop me to consume more. It had led me to make decisions that were bound to irrationality, and thank God, it wasn’t the time for me to have a baby out of wedlock. It takes a lot of courage to admit this to you, believe me. Shamefully, I did those things and I was left emotionally unstable. Losing the guy that I “loved” and my composure in one night was too much for me. There’s no beauty in it but guilt and emptiness! We’re running empty in this life, and we have a tendency to become messy and pursue things that we thought “can fill us up.” It may fill the void inside you temporarily, sex or porn has left you satiated, but in the long run… It can’t.

Allow me to repeat it with conviction this time.

IT CAN’T! IT JUST CAN’T! IT WASN’T SUPPOSE TO! NEVER! ARGH!

I became a part of a large, disorderly crowd who just doesn’t get what sexuality really means, and blinded to view it as a gift from God for two people who love each other deeply. I knew I was doing something bad and yet I didn’t stop myself. I was disgusted with myself for a while. Thankfully, I saw where it was taking me and with God’s help, I was able to overcome my addiction. It was very frustrating at first, trying to shake off an old habit out of my system, trying to walk away from it. I got the feeling it followed me everywhere I went but it hit me, I missed the point: His point. He encouraged me to let go of it and a number of old friends who had influenced me to such an extent that I have almost lost my sense of self. When I did that, I had this sense of elation overtaking me, and at the same time, the fear of having the light expose the darkness within me. But it’s okay now. I’m aware that God is in love with me, and in a pivotal moment of weakness, He gave me grace to do His Will. He’s bigger than my problems. I’m blown away.

When He calls, I won’t refuse. I can’t delay.

This is the life I was meant to live. A life that blesses Him whenever I stay still, in the quietness of a place where I can be alone with Him so I can listen to His voice, and not having the world’s noise to drown it. A life that made me embrace change and witness other lives changed radically as we walk away from our hurts, habits and hang-ups into a life I never knew possible… A life that the world isn’t aware of and devoid of the idea of what real love is, and what true freedom is like. Listen. We can only find it through Christ. Do you hear Him calling you?

They say that a woman’s heart is deep as the ocean, and it’s filled with secrets. I just revealed one of them. I shouted, “No more! POR-NO!” My season of prayer, anguish, delight, and building of confidence began, and it comes with our love story of courtship and sacrifice. I can no longer contain myself, I can’t stop professing my love for Jesus, the one and only Man whom I wanted to pursue forever. I am undeserving yet humbled by His presence. It takes a lot of dying to self. I’m His lifetime project. There is a GOD who pursues us, even when we’re not aware of it. His love for us is stronger and far greater than anything. He’s a perfect Gentleman and will never force Himself on anyone. He calls to all and waits patiently, just as He had waited for me. And you know what?

I didn’t made Him wait any longer. :)

[l i t]

*agrees w/ andrew! ^^
you rock

[Andrew Quinley]

Unbelievable post Rich! So raw and honest. This kind of attitude is exactly what we need in the body of Christ when it comes to porn and sex. I'd wager 90% of us members on here deal with this exact issue. Thank you for bringing it to light and sharing one of these deep places in your heart with us.